EMBARRASSING SITUATION NUMBER 1:
SETTING: A LOUNGE IN A TRENDY DOWNTOWN RESTAURANT.
SITUATION: YOU ARE ENJOYING A CONVERSATION WITH A PERSON WHO YOU ARE DATING FOR THE FIRST TIME (PERHAPS A BLIND DATE). YOU ARE QUITE NERVOUS SINCE YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON AND WISH TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION. YOU SEEM TO BE PERFORMING FAIRLY WELL, IF NOT DOWN-RIGHT IMPRESSIVE! AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN. . . YOU RUN OUT OF INTELLIGENCE CREDITS!
WHILE YOUR DATE IS DISCUSSING THE FINER POINTS OF FRENCH CUISINE (THE EXPECTED FAIRE FOR THE EVENING), YOU CASUALLY MENTION THAT YOUR LEFT FOOT CONTAINS ONLY 4 TOES WHILE YOUR RIGHT ONE HAS SIX! YOU THEN GO ON TO SAY THAT WHILE THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM, IT DOES REQUIRE THAT YOU PURCHASE A LEFT SHOE ONE HALF A SIZE SMALLER THAN THE RIGHT!
AFTER YOUR DATE HAS SPLASHED THEIR DRINK IN YOUR FACE, YOU FIND YOURSELF ALONE IN THE LOUNGE, SAVE FOR THE CURIOUS ON-LOOKERS WHO HAVE JUST WITNESSED THIS SPECTACLE.
WHAT TO DO?
APPLY FOR A NON-ZABDA INTELLIGENCE CREDIT CARD!
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS! NEVER FIND YOURSELF EMPTY-HANDED AGAIN! ALWAYS COMMUNICATE WITH AN AIR OF CONFIDENCE USING ONE OF OUR MANY ACCOUNTS:
BASIC: OBTAIN A BASIC CARD WITH ONE THOUSAND CREDIT UNITS OF INTELLIGENCE TO BE USED AT YOUR LEISURE! PAY ONE LOW MONTHLY PAYMENT OF 10 NON-ZABDA DOLLARS (FIVE NON-ZABDA DOLLARS CAN BE PURCHASED WITH $1,000 AMERICAN DOLLARS) OR 3% OF THE TOTAL BALANCE, WHICHEVER IS GREATER!
GOLD: FIVE THOUSAND CREDIT UNITS OF INTELLIGENCE AVAILABLE. ALSO COMES WITH ARGUMENT PROTECTION AND INTENSE SILENT-TREATMENT POWERS.
PLATINUM: TEN THOUSAND CREDIT UNITS OF INTELLIGENCE, PLUS AN OVERDRAFT ACCOUNT OF UP TO FIVE THOUSAND ADDITIONAL CREDIT UNITS (OVERDRAFT ACCEPTANCE BASED UPON D.A. CREDIT HISTORY. SEE TERMS FOR DETAILS)
NOT CONVINCED YET?
HEAR FROM THOSE WHO HAVE USED OUR SERVICES BEFORE:
ALBERT EINSTEIN: "WONDROUS . . . I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT!"
J.P. MORGAN: "THEY HELPED ME BUILD AN EMPIRE!"
BILL CLINTON: "I ACTUALLY GOT A JOB!"
YOU! (INSERT NAME HERE):
SO COME ON AND FIND OUT WHAT ALL THE HYPE IS ABOUT! PICK UP YOUR APPLICATION FOR A NON-ZABDA INTELLIGENCE CREDIT CARD!
P.S.
MR. CLINTON, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOUR ACCOUNT IS OVERDUE!