DISCORD AGGREGATE: Agents from Hell

Any young writer today knows how hard it is to get published, or even to get an agent. Even more so if the writer in question pursues a decidedly unorthodox approach to their work. I have been a writer for over 20 years, which is more than half of my life. Because I believe that my work is of an essential value, I was, for a few years, fairly consistent in trying to get my books to an audience (with little success, apart from a few magazine publications) - which means that I have had a fair share of the agent nightmare.

On this page, I will quote the most comical responses I have received - along with the downright nasty ones. I'm not even mentioning form rejection letters and unanswered queries: if I were to list these, you would be reading this page until 2016.

There are two reasons to publicize these things: firstly, I am relying on silent commiseration from all wonderful artists out there who have yet been unable to break through the indifference of agents, publishers, and other mold that covers the surface of Contemporary Art. Secondly, I am hoping that writers visiting this page may be reluctant to seek representation from most of the agents listed herein. Hopefully, in the end they will lose all of their clients.

Even more generally, I hope to inspire new writers to be more demanding of agents and the like. If we don't say No to some of the nasty realities of this world, the nasty realities are perpetuated.

An invitation to visit this web page has been sent to all referenced agents.

In 1993 I finished my first novel, "Another Symphony for Drummachine". I started looking for an agent. Carole D. Bodey (Aabaal Literary Associates) won this round for the funniest response. Here is an excerpt:

"Request the "Professional Writer's Teleplay/Screenplay Format". Observe dialog lengths by analyzing academy-award winning films.

Should you wish to write your novel first, we will be happy to read it. From your description, we hope you have a main character with a problem which is hinted at within the first 20 lines and described more completely within the first 3 pages. The rest of the book should show your main character trying to solve the problem. While trying to do this, other problems will arise many of which yield data to help the hero get what he wants at the end. Characters should get what they want during these years, and the main character should be honorable and likeable whereas others need not be.

Also check discount book stores for categories for novels and lengths. Dialog should be 1/2 of book and description the other half. Write in scenes and use little or no narration these days."

Now I had a complete recipe for success! I wrote to Mrs. Bodey and explained that teaching me how to write a novel wasn't a part of her job as an agent, and noting that her message would forever remain one of the silliest things I had heard.

An Internet search reveals several sites listing Mrs. Bodey and Aabaal Literary Associates as "not recommended". Yet, I was unable to find any specific complaints.

In 1994, following months of queries, the West Coast Literary Associates agreed to represent "Another Symphony for Drummachine". They charged a moderate fee - $95. I don't know how enthusiastically they were trying to sell the book, but when a year had passed, I received notification that our contract was not to be extended. I responded with a reasonable letter outlining my other literary works available or upcoming at the time, and asking the agency to give it another chance. I received no response to this letter. Other online sources I have seen over the years raise a question about West Coast Literary Associates.

In 1995, when S.B. Reda and I finished "The Gospel According to the Christ Brothers", we were optimistic: it seemed to us that a funny, thought-provoking, and uncompromisingly unique novel, especially one revolving around a topic as popular as christianity, had an excellent selling potential. It took just a few months to cure our illusions. No one was interested.

Finally, in 1997 the novel was taken on by Mark Maine (Authors Adventure Assistance Literary Agency, mmaine@axnet.net ). Mr. Maine charged us a fee of $250. Following a period of silence, we contacted him several times, trying to obtain a progress report. We got nothing but vague reassurances and forwarded chain e-mails packed with poor jokes. This led us to believe that the fee itself, and not the book, had been Mr. Maine 's primary interest.

Interestingly enough, we must still be on Mr. Maine's mailing list. From a mail received in May 2000 I have learned that the AAA is now closed, and Mark Maine has opened or joined another outfit, Angelic Entertainment (http://www.angelicentertainment.com). It was very kind of him to inform me, so I can warn the reader about Mr. Maine's new enterprise.

Unexpectedly, Mr. Maine contacted me again in October 2002, trying to buy out of this web page. He asked me about my ultimate goals as an artist, and then proposed:

"maybe I could assist you with your ultimate goal and in return might you possibly consider removing the posting from your site? Please at least think about it! And, just maybe you could reach more people, and even attract a publisher if you were to consider a movie version of your writings...."

As tempted as I was by this bizarre pun - a movie version of "The Gospel According to the Christ Brothers, transcribed to paper by A. Molotkov and S.B. Reda, the Prophets" released by Angelic Entertainment - I had to say no. I added that if Mr. Maine were willing to refund our fee, I would report this gesture here. He promised to consider it - apparently he is still at it.

Following this sad occurrence, we decided never to pay introductory fees again. Just to think of it: if an agent charges a reading, evaluating, or processing fee, their main responsibility - selling books - is conveniently bypassed. It's enough to get a lot of clients and collect fees! Sure, they'll tell you that it's hard to stay in business without charging new writers and so on and so forth. The answer is simple: they shouldn't stay in business! If they can't sell enough books to make a living as agents, they are not worthwhile in that capacity in the first place. They are nothing but puss-ridden sores on the face of literature. No writer should be fooled into feeding these parasitic creatures!

In June 1999, I was communicating with David Hiatt of Hiatt Literary Agency (dhiatt@eoni.com) regarding my second novel - "Without" (then titled "A Practical Example"), for which I had been trying to obtain representation since its birth in 1995.

Thanks for your Email. I am always interested in new writers and their stories, and have successfully introduced the work of many new authors to prestigious national publishers. I will be happy to review your work, and if it is strong enough to compete in a tight market, I will offer to represent you.

Please send a double spaced paper copy of the first two chapters of your work, a plot summary, and a cover letter. I do not read submissions on screen.

I sent Mr. Hiatt the two chapters. Sometime later, I received a correspondence which started as follows:

Thank you for your synopsis and sample chapters of A Practical Example. I read your material with great interest. You have the guts and bones of an exciting story - unfortunately, they need to be fleshed out with a little more style and grace. The sentence "The conversations in the Cube were so remote from any of the ones that usually take place between people that it took enormous amount of time to convey any sort of practical information, to discuss facts." The sentence does exactly that! Too many words are used to too little effect.

You have an original and interesting idea, but various technical and stylistic problems will prevent publishers from reading enough to recognize its creative potential. You have the writing talent, but simple things, easily overlooked when one is intimately involved with a project, are holding you back. A Practical Example needs to be revised before it can be marketed successfully.

"God" should always be capitalized - unless you are willing to write off the majority of people who are believers and would be offended.

I receive numerous manuscripts daily, and while I offer a no-charge reading to evaluate manuscripts for agenting and provide authors with an impartial assessment, the sheer volume of submissions makes it impossible for me to point out all the specific errors.

You work has publishing potential, and I suggest you submit the complete manuscript to me for evaluation. I am here to facilitate writers' success and offer services and suggestions to help authors meet their goals.

The evaluation service provides a 10- to 15-page review of your complete book. It will be honest and forthright. While pointing out problems from a publishing standpoint, my editors will examine and evaluate the manuscript for consistency and structural accuracy. You will receive examples of better sentences, paragraphs, and turns of phrase that can be applied to the whole work. In short, it will illustrate your strengths and weaknesses in the context of the business of writing. The evaluations are completed by English professors familiar with the world of publishing and then reviewed by me personally.

A review of this depth will be time consuming, and I charge $295.00 for this service. The review should form the basis for your final editing strategy. If I believe I can then successfully market the revised work I will offer to represent you.

I placed over 60 books. Advances on some of them were well into five figures. I know what publishers want and why some manuscripts sell while others don't.

Mr. Hiatt concludes by listing the materials to include with my submission.

I responded with the following e-mail (I am omitting a paragraph or two):

I have received your mail offering criticism of my novel, “A Practical Example”. Thank you for your opinion. You further propose that I send you the complete manuscript and a $295 fee. Here are my thoughts on the subject:

I do not think it would be practical for me to pay a fee for an in-depth evaluation of my novel. Truth is, I am not interested in an evaluation. Admittedly, literature is an area of subjective opinions. As a writer, I make my stylistic and contextual choices based on my own taste, not a “general idea” of how written text should sound. This is what art is about. Therefore, I’m quite indifferent to what your editors may think about my work.

Certainly, I would be happy to reformat my work in a manner more suitable for placement, including headers and other items outlined in your letter. Yet, my work itself is as it is, and it will not change. This is not to say that I will not make a single edit based on someone else’s suggestion. Yet, this can not become a primary prerequisite of our business relationship. I believe that if you see a “marketing potential” in my work (I am using familiar terminology), you should expect to profit from placing my book, not from an evaluation fee.

So, the question is: would you be willing to waive the fee and review the complete manuscript of “A Practical Example” anyway?

You ask, "would you be willing to waive the fee and review the complete manuscript of “A Practical Example” anyway? "

I wrote back (not without an apocalyptic premonition - that's how mad I was):

That’s exactly what I expected! Clearly, you are interested in the $295 fee, not in my book! How dare you issue pretense statements about my book’s potential to lure me in?! If you really thought it has a potential, you would not need the fee.

It is the unscrupulous agents like you that will eventually destroy the literary agent’s market and force authors to find other means of publication. That’s just as well: your occupation is a parasitical one anyway.

In May 1999 I encountered a listing of Andrew Hamilton Literary Agency. I e-mailed them, and the response referred me to their web site: http://members.aol.com/clevetown/prof/index.htm (no longer online). When I visited this URL, I found that the agency charges an evaluation fee ($50 to $250 based on the manuscript's length). I also found the following sentences (which are still there as of this writing - 9/6/99):

Some New York agencies don't charge reading fee's because they deal with establish writers.

Marketing Fee's must accompany a signed and dated copy of my Rights Representative contract.

Thanks for your response. We are skeptical about paying reading fees. Any chance of waiving?

By the way, your web page is full of grammar errors. Not good for a literary agent! Certainly not good for one who wants to charge for reading!

Mr. Hamilton replied with the following revelation (note the familiar problem with fee's):

Good luck in your quest for an Agent & Publisher. Successful writers aren't concerned about grammar, the good ones have to skills to write a good story. Nobody cares if you dot your i's or cross your t's as long as you have a viable product.

To expect an Agent who deals with unpublished writers to take valuable time to read the deluge of manuscript requests they receive every month is ludicrous. Only the top Agents read for free, and many of them charge hidden fee's that are far more encompassing than a one-time reading or marketing fee. The top Agents read for free because they deal almost exclusively with established writers or famous names.

Your attempted dig didn't endear you to me, and will surely come out in your dealings with others. Getting a book published is tough, it's not easy, publishers aren't ringing Agents seeking works from unknowns, they never have, and never will.

p.s. Is it possible your dig was racist in nature. Remember you queried me, and my record is impeccable.

My “dig” was ironic in nature (know the word?). Racist? Apparently you are racist, since you brought up the subject. I’m glad your record is impeccable. (Obviously you are running a scam: otherwise why mention your impeccable record?)

Do not worry though: I have no intention to pursue this matter any further. I’ll just keep your mail in my archive of humorous items. Thanks for a laugh!

Alas, I lied: I did decide to pursue the matter just a bit further on this web page. In any case, the reply was:

You watch how you use the words scam in relation to my name. I will not hesitate to sue a bigot like you. I've been in business nine years and have never received a letter as nasty as your reply. You accessed my webpage, saw I was Black, and the mere color of my skin brought your racism and bigotry to light.

If you don't want to pay a reading fee. That is fine, you don't have to slur and accuse, insult, and slander. THERE'S OTHER AGENTS TRY THEM. If you attempt to slander or libel me in anyway shape or form you pompass butthead you'll face legal action from my attorneys. I was the editor for a legal publishing company for 10 years, and I've placed many books for my clients.

I advise you not to ever email me again. If you want trouble Mr. Bigot, then you got it. I won't stand for a condescending idiot like yourself to slander my name.

I enjoy upsetting people who deserve it. So, Mr. Hamilton's choice of words did not offend me. I responded with a message wishing good luck in suing me. So far, I remain unsued.

Around the same time, I had a brief communication with James Schiavone. To my initial query he replied:

I prefer contact via USPS with SASE. I'm only interested in one project at a time from unpublished authors.
James Schiavone, Ed.D.

I e-mailed him back, asking for his mailing address so that I could send the manuscript. He responded:

Thanks. You've been very helpful. Perhaps next time you should not sign your e-mail, so that the research one needs to do is even more interesting.

As you see, I have had my share of fun and frustration while dealing with agents. Or should I say "frustration and fun"? Perhaps the latter will be more accurate! I'm sure I'll encounter more bright and sincere individuals fit to be mentioned on this page. Will writers find another way to be heard?

In the meantime, taste a bite of my art and make your own opinion! My web page at www.AMolotkov.com will take you to samples of my writing, as well as to my work in other art forms.

Also, please subscribe to Discord Aggregate mailing list to receive updates about our new art projects, as well as occasional political outcries (a new thing brought about by our troubled times). We send, on average, 4 to 6 messages a year. Previous issues of Discord Aggregate Bulletin are available here.